Although my posts have been infrequent since beginning this blog, I can assure you that my brain has been a roller coaster of thoughts and emotions daily, and I am always looking forward to what may come from my fingers to the pen and paper, or straight onto the keyboard. Unraveling and understanding my past leading to the choice to stop drinking and then subsequently sharing my story excites me, and exhausts me at the same time.
I feel as if I have completely barricaded myself from a toxic relationship – one that formed over many years of trying to “work it out” – you know how those ones go…
It’s Thursday night, and all week it felt as if it should already just be Friday. How does that happen? As the minutes go by sometimes – we wonder are the days really always 24 hours? Some go by so fast, and others….so damn slow. Jen and I have had a whirlwind of activities since the last time I posted. #1 most exciting being: I bought my wedding dress!!! I couldn’t be more excited for our wedding day. All of the planning so far as come easily and been fun, 274 more days…but who is counting 😉 We also went out to dinner with a couple friends, had 2 birthday parties, hosted a dinner party and a few other things on top of crazy work weeks for the both of us.
Damn, we keep busy. I wouldn’t have it any other way though. I am also finding time for me – to write, even if it is on paper for the time being, to knit, and I have practiced meditation most mornings – which I think is going to become a daily thing because I can completely feel a difference when I add it into my morning routine. As amazing as our social calendar can get, and how fulfilling our day to day lives are; if I am being totally honest here – all week I have struggled with a hefty load of anxiety, PMS, and mood issues! What gives. I’m only guessing when I try and figure out exactly where it all comes from. None of the above is brand new since quitting drinking, however, I am sure it plays a part with the frequency in which it is occurring, and how I am coping with it all. Perhaps in the past I would have leaned into the anxiety with a nice bottle of wine – just to cushion the uncomfortable feelings about my insecurity, or worries. Or blamed a couple drinks for my moody behavior.
Well that is no more. I am taking more responsibility for my ups and my downs. I want to lean into the uncomfortable feelings and thoughts until it all makes more sense as to why it is there. It is there for a reason, to learn from or to grow with. I truly believe life isn’t always after us – even when it seems unfair or exhausting…lean in. I am a big proponent of reducing the stigma within mental health, so I find it important for me to discuss that being part of my path here as well. I am on the hunt for a new therapist, someone I can break down every day thoughts and feelings, and give them appropriate shelter in my brain, and make room for the really good stuff to bloom.
“It’s he or she who’s willing to be the most uncomfortable can rise strong”
Now, I must mention my first AA meeting! Jen joined, as well as a friend who is in recovery and offered to come with. I was so freaking nervous. Everyone was so incredibly kind. One girl was brave enough to raise her hand when they asked “is anyone here for the first time”…that girl wasn’t me. I was too busy with my sweaty palms and racing heart. I recognized a couple faces in the room, which made me even MORE nervous – like “shit! They see me, I see them…eek, what must they think!?” Then I snapped into reality. They are there for the exact same reason I am. I listened to stories in which I was able to relate to on so many levels, and was impressed at the authenticity of the group. Everyone who spoke initially welcomed that new girl and said if she needed anything at all – that they were there. I kind of regretted not raising my hand! When we were outside after the meeting, a girl came up to us and introduced herself. She said she missed introductions of the new people. I admitted to not raising my hand, told her my name and began talking about the process of attending meetings, perhaps acquiring a “job” to do at meetings which equals accountability. It led to talking about sponsors and how they are part of your growth in sobriety, etc. She and another member said they’d make their sponsees call random people on the list of members, just to get outside their comfort zone. I was like uhhhh, scary. Then all of a sudden, the girl was giving me her number and said, “I’ll make it less awkward for you – call me tomorrow!!” That was it! So I called her the next day, we chatted briefly and have texted a few times. I planned on going again this past Tuesday, but got stuck late at work. I look forward to next week when I am not the late shift person and can enjoy another meeting – and possibly raise my hand this time!
Whoever has gotten this far in reading this post – I thank you. It is as if the world has created a new mountain for me to climb and you are my belay. Making sure I rise to the top safely, but still letting me do the brunt of it on my own.
Until next time.
So much love,