Doubting yourself is a clear act of human nature.  There are times that the feelings of being inadequate, or failing miserably are like reels of film playing over in your brain. It just wont stop – you beat yourself up.  The instances of this happening to me happen often, but are now subsiding quicker than they once did.  I am now able to use mechanisms I learned and am still practicing to see my self-worth and to take things lighter – without taking everything personally.

So.  I was an interviewee on a podcast.  I actually heard about Recovery Elevator from someone’s blog that I follow.  I started listening to it the day I became sober, and have not stopped.  The host interviews people of all walks of sober life.  Whether you are a long timer, or have a mere 11 hours without a drink.  He just wants to know more about the people’s stories behind their drinking, how they are quitting and what is going to help them stay sober.  It is a pretty great podcast!  I emailed him when I wanted to be part of the facebook group – Café RE.  I asked him if he has any episodes to recommend where someone talks about themselves having an “alter ego” or becoming mean when they are drinking. He said nothing came to mind, and that he would like to hear my story.

Whhhhhhat?!

At first in my head I was like – YEAH!!  But that was only my second week into this, and I could tell my emotions were on a ride, and unsure of the next corner we were turning at any given moment. So I held off.  Not until my 30 days did I feel like I was under better emotional control and actually understood a lot of my own story and was then, comfortable sharing it.

Back to the doubting yourself part.  After my interview – I internally freaked out.  I wanted to call him back and say “pleaseee do not edit or put that out in public”, or “can we do that over!?”  I thought I blew it. I was convinced that I had.  I was going over it like a script in my head that I completely lost my lines and anything pertinent I wanted to share.  Jen was cool as a cucumber and said, “so what if you did mess up or say something dumb?  You have NEVER talked publicly about this, or have EVER been interviewed on the phone before”.

Be easy with yourself.  The hardest part was done – and I ultimately was proud that I reached outside my comfort zone in hopes to be there for others.  The podcast was released this past Monday.  Guess what??  It was NOT as bad as I thought.  Jen and I listened to it while on our road trip – somewhere in Tennessee or West Virginia I think. I shared it with close family and friends who also were proud.

I want to share it with all you out there. It is with intention that I have not spoken of certain topics here on my blog that I do bring up on the podcast.  However, at this point in my life and in my sobriety I am becoming aware that my past is my past.  I have learned from it all and am now on the path to a better future. I cannot and do not want to leave things out of my story that could perhaps resonate with another person needing help creating their best selves.

Recovery Elevator – Episode 138: The Science of Addiction

Paul begins the episode chatting about an article he finds in National Geographic.  My interview follows afterward. Thank you in advance for those of you who take the time to listen.  Community is key when it comes to succeeding in sobriety, that is one thing I will never doubt.  Myself on the other hand….well, I’m a work in progress ❤

 

 

Happy Friday!  Here are some pictures from our road trip below:

 

Journal entry from yesterday, October 9th, 2017. Right now we are back in NY, a few hours left until we reach our home ❤️

I’m still here! 66 days into this journey. Life has been so busy, but so good.  Jen and I have been on the road since the end of September (29th-ish). Vermont, Syracuse, Maryland, Richmond, Virginia, Asheville, NC, and lastly Pennsylvania. Staying in a town called Ohiopyle – I think it’s funny. The town itself has a population of 59! Interesting.

We have been grateful for nice traveling weather. Just yesterday it began to rain and is consistently doing so this morning. I’m sitting on a little porch in Babcock State Park – drinking coffee, listening to the music of the raindrops on the leaves. This place is so full of beauty, and the sound is like a symphony because we are so deep into the woods.  The trees are all amazing with their bursts of yellow, red and green. 

I feel so lucky. Not some superficial, glad to still be on vacation, luck. But true, deep into my soul ache of gratitude for being able to see a small chunk of the world that I had not seen before. That I’ve been able to see familiar faces of friends and family members along the way. Lastly, I’m lucky I’ve found peace and strength with each day of sobriety. 

I clearly have learned on this trip that at times, I still struggle.  How could I not, when it seems that a new microbrewery or winery has been built on every corner we turned, in any county we entered?!  How romanticized drinking really is. How interesting that now, for me – it is the least sexy thing I could do for myself.  The emotions I have felt while running into my “ex”, alcohol, have been like the beads of rain drops on all the leaves around me. Some just roll off, never to be seen – or felt again. But sometimes it lingers and lays on the leaf, or in me – and we just have to hang for a while.

I run through emotional checklists like:

• I’m okay – yes.
• Do I want to drink? No!
• It makes me mad to see it everywhere – usually.
• I’ll get through all these feelings – yes.
• Will I regret staying sober another day? Hell no!

I make it through – another time, minute or day. So grateful. 

The world is an amazing place – go see it.

Life is an amazing thing – and we must feel that.