Tag: sober

Staying Sober and Enjoying Girls Just Wanna Weekend!

On By Retiring CarolIn Becoming Sober15 Comments

Imagine this.

You are laying in savasana, eyes closed, Caribbean water sounds drift in and out of your mind. You realize, and are grateful that this isn’t a dream.  With reality settling in, a rush flows through your veins.

You are in Mexico – finishing up a Vinyasa flow at the Hard Rock Hotel where you will be singing with Brandi Carlile in a FEW SHORT HOURS!

How did I get here? During the past year and a half of sobriety I have had so far – I find myself asking this question often.  Is this truly my life that I am living?  Who am I?  My list of things “I wish I could do” are starting to slowly fade, and in turn I am actually accomplishing these thoughts and ideas that were once so very distant.  Is this part of growth in sobriety?  I would like to think so. Doubting myself has become less of a pastime, and more of a rarity – which is currently the most mind pleasing sceniario.  Starting to accept this new found courage and motivation can prove to be challenging at times – but I am leaning into the unfamiliarity and just letting it happen. I give a lot of credit to my healing mind that hasn’t been poisoned with alcohol in 556 days.

We left for the Riviera Maya very early (1/29) and were at the resort by 3pm that afternoon. We checked in and receieved our event bracelet, some swag – and the festival schedule! There were a number of concerts and activities to keep us stimulated for days. Unlike our trip to italy, the alcohol here didn’t immediately catch my attention – and more importantly, my energy.  It was free flowing – RIGHT THERE, EVERYWHERE we turned.  Being that it was an all-inclusive vacation, that could really have thrown a wrench into things.  Pineapple and cranberry juice with seltzer and a lime was my frequent drink request, which the bartenders didn’t seem to mind making whatsoever.

I could easily tell you in detail every minute of our trip  – however, this post would become my first novel. As lovely as that sounds (hah), I will try and consolidate the incredible experience to a list that represents what has been lingering in my brain as the memories that are most indelible.

5. Yoga: Thankfully the resort offered a daily yoga class taught by a very limber and kind man named Joshua. Our first class was inside the yoga “temple” and I was so happy the learn it was vinyasa flow, as that has been my favorite type of yoga to practice.  The second day the group moved outdoors nearer to the water on a patio. All of the heart openers toward the sky created a platform of gratitude inside my chest, and a sunburn on my nose and forehead. I was so glad to be there. The last day of yoga was taught by Tiffany Hanseroth and her friend Brandy.  That was special because Tiffany is Brandi’s sister and one of the twin’s (Phil) wife. She was offering assists during class – but I wasn’t one of the lucky ones who recieved!  How amazing was it to have been hangover free for this? It’s an unexplainable feeling. I am glad we packed our mats with us, because these classes were something Jen and I looked forward to attending each day.

4. Beach or Pool? Since neither Jen or I had ever been to an all inclusive resort – we weren’t well seasoned in having the choice between lounging at the pool or by the open sea.  Most days the beach loungers won- as that was also the location of the smaller stage where the “sunset shows” were held. The pool area offered a swim up bar (for mocktails and cocktails alike), bottomless snacks, and great people watching.  The beach area was full of clear blue water, big fish you could see under water from a distance, and people using several types of tubes – ones shaped like donuts, pizza, a cat, etc. The ability to bounce back and forth to either venue was exciting.

3. The camaraderie (and an AA meeting)! In any location we explored throughout the resort there were inevitably new faces. This didn’t create shyness or tension, instead – everyone was so kind and curious. “Where are you from?”, “what do you do for a living?” were among the very common questions I heard people asking one another.  On the Facebook group for the Festival, people kept in touch and I noticed if one person needed something, someone else was on top of it. I was also able to attend an AA meeting. While at home I haven’t made AA part of my every day recovery, but when you are outside of your comfort zone and around more alcohol than normal – this was something I was willing and wanting to do. I am glad I did. Knowing there were others who were in the exact same situation was helpful. Similarly to the meetings I’ve attended in the past, I was honored to hear others’ stories, thoughts and feelings regarding sobriety, and in that meeting – what they were grateful for, as that was the topic of choice.  It wasn’t too difficult to name a few things during this trip that made us feel thankful – however it is always nice to reflect and share.

2. The music: This seems like an obvious one, but it must be discussed. We went to bed early on day one in preparation for the coming nights. Around 9pm one of Brandi’s songs started playing loudly – party animals were out there! Or so we thought. All of a sudden I realized it was her SOUND CHECK! We were up and out the door so quickly.  What a treat! We were happily spoiled with constant music.  There was a jam session under a hut each day, and the people who showed up with their instruments and sat around in a circle with us were insanely talented, welcoming, and fun.  There were sing-alongs, solos, and many tribute songs to Brandi, The Indigo Girls and other musicians who were adorning the stage during the 3 day festival. These sessions were a catalyst to me feeling more comfortable singing around others – to see so much confidence was inspiring. Every night we were graced with a concert on the main stage that was jaw-dropping and emotion provoking. I was flooded with elation, and then in the same second would be thrown into tears just feeling the gratitude of being present during this first ever Girls Just Wanna Weekend. The pioneering experience of validating that women can provide a successful music festival. Ask anyone who was there – it was life altering. I’ll never forget looking around and just knowing that we all were on the same page. From what I saw – it was all about the music. During the last night at the show, I vividly remember leaning into Jen as we swayed to one of the last songs. Her arms were wrapped around my waist – and I could feel the love we had for not only each other, but for that very moment we were able to share.

1. Brandioke: The universe must have thought it would be a very good idea to get me to quit tip-toeing around the edge of my comfort zone and DIVE IN. I knew it was a possibility I would have to, since I was the one who submitted the video of myself singing – but again, I was really just trying to stretch myself. I did NOT think I would actually get picked.  However, on 2/1 at 3:30pm, I found myself and nine others in the lobby, and we were escorted to the backstage area of the Heaven Beach Stage.  Several of us were terrified we would forget the lyrics, we did “power poses”, and tried our best to soak in each moment.  I looked out into the crowd and found my people.  Jen, along with several friends had turquoise t-shirts with my FACE and “Carey Born’s Fan Club” screen printed on them.  Brandi, Tim, and Phil entered the backstage area and went directly up on stage – forcing our first meeting to be when we were JUST ABOUT TO SING WITH THEM! I was 9 on the line-up, so for the first 8 singers I sang along, watched the audience and practiced deep breathing exercises.  It was an incredible feeling being called on stage and realizing that my hands were not shaking, I didn’t want to run and hide, and my fears were recreated into motivation to sing that song the best I knew how. Brandi was tuning her guitar and looked at me and said “you look beautiful today!” – aw shucks! Did she really just say that?  I heard Jen yell – “yeah she is! She’s taken”. So I had to tell Brandi that my wife was yelling at her. HA!  The song begins – I took a deep breath, and just sang. It was a no brainer to keep my eyes on Jen in the front row who was singing it right back, and then as I skimmed the crowed, I truly felt it was an out of body experience being able to take that stage alongside her and her band.  How did I get here? A once in a lifetime opportunity started and finished within 5 minutes. I can without doubt say that it was a fleeting moment that I am still not sure I fully comprehend. When it was over, I hugged each musician –  when Phil her bassist said, “you sound like a sweet angel!” Seriously?!  The entire group was able to get a picture with the band once it ended, and that was that. Every person who I had the pleasure of having the experience with was so special and talented in their own way, and I hope to keep in touch with them.  The moral of this situation is: SUSPEND YOUR FEARS! I know there is no way I would have taken the time to push the worry aside and post a 1 minute video of me singing if I was still drinking. The rational for this isn’t completely clear, but I am convinced I wouldn’t have been able to handle the undercurrent of anxiety based around what other’s thought of it all.  At this point – I’m actively practicing the “who cares” mentality.

Here is where you can click to see the performance: Brandioke!

 

If you are still reading – I give you credit, and thank you for being interested. This trip was therapeutic, relaxing and a slingshot for me in my growth. We decided that no other vacation we take will be without music being the main ingredient. It ties together relationships, feelings, and emotions so precicely.

 

Sobriety lends itself to experiences becoming so much more enjoyable. There is no more moments of “what did I say/do?”, the worry of if you can or can’t control yourself dissapates – and instead, you have this ability to just live.

 

Until next time.

❤

Carey

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Day 30

On By Retiring CarolIn Becoming Sober, recovery, sober15 Comments

In our apartment you can hear the rain outside as it trickles through the pipes that run through our walls, close to the ceiling.  The constant running and “tick-tick-tick” of that water reminds me of the thoughts in my brain as I try to articulate the last 30 days.

I have had no alcohol in my system in 30 days.  Wow.  I particularly knew I could do this, as I have done it before.  However, my situation is now different.  I have a greater appreciation for myself and for the reasons to why I have stopped all together.  As I have mentioned in the past, when I stopped drinking before – I never planned on it being in perpetuum. This time – I am sober today.  I plan on also being that way tomorrow and the next day, and the next.  You’re catching my drift – but, it is daunting to think that far ahead into the future, as we cannot control anything except the moment for which we are currently in.  Every night during these last 30 days, I have gone to bed proud, relieved, and humbled to be in a place of such growth at my age.  I am not worried about the “what ifs” in my future; and the guilt of things I have done in my past because of drinking is slowly dissipating like the sound of the rain in the pipes near the ceiling.

I am a “human-being”, not a “human-doing”.

This is a quote that I heard in this past weeks AA meeting, and it resonates within me so.  We (maybe it’s just me, but doubtful) get so caught up in every day on the “go go go” mentality.  Overbooking, overlooking, and really feeling inadequate if the high standard mold we created doesn’t quite cut it, we get upset and down on ourselves.  Can it be possible to break our molds of self depreciation and to just be “ok” – just being?  Being happy, and healthy, and satisfied – even when the dishes don’t get finished, or if the day didn’t go according to plan.  I think it is possible.  As I become more pendulous through my days, I see every one as a chance to live.  I am trying my hardest to not bombard my brain with useless thoughts of not being enough, and congratulating myself instead on a job well done because I am surviving.  I don’t have to fog my feelings with alcohol to feel “better”.  I don’t have to pretend that everything is okay when it really isn’t sometimes.  How cool is that.  At that same  meeting I also heard that in fact, some flowers bloom when they have been placed under stress.  It is quite amazing that we as humans are much the same, rising time and time again after we fall.  Blooming like the beautiful flowers after little light. 

So here’s to another 30 after this, but taking it one day at a time.

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Jen gave this to me soon after I decided to quite drinking. It says “Retiring Carol, Discovering Carey 8*4*2017”. She has been my biggest advocate and support system. I am so lucky to have her next to me every day.
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My new mug, sent to me from my best friend Corrine. She moved to NC a few years ago and we have remained so close. After sharing my blog with her – she sent me this and a long letter that had me in tears. I am so grateful for her friendship!!

 

 

 

The Climb

On By Retiring CarolIn Becoming Sober, recovery, sober4 Comments

Although my posts have been infrequent since beginning this blog, I can assure you that my brain has been a roller coaster of thoughts and emotions daily, and I am always looking forward to what may come from my fingers to the pen and paper, or straight onto the keyboard. Unraveling and understanding my past leading to the choice to stop drinking and then subsequently sharing my story excites me, and exhausts me at the same time.

 I feel as if I have completely barricaded myself from a toxic relationship – one that formed over many years of trying to “work it out” – you know how those ones go…

It’s Thursday night, and all week it felt as if it should already just be Friday.  How does that happen?  As the minutes go by sometimes – we wonder are the days really always 24 hours?  Some go by so fast, and others….so damn slow.  Jen and I have had a whirlwind of activities since the last time I posted.  #1 most exciting being: I bought my wedding dress!!!  I couldn’t be more excited for our wedding day.  All of the planning so far as come easily and been fun, 274 more days…but who is counting 😉 We also went  out to dinner with a couple friends, had 2 birthday parties, hosted a dinner party and a few other things on top of crazy work weeks for the both of us.

Damn, we keep busy.  I wouldn’t have it any other way though.  I am also finding time for me – to write, even if it is on paper for the time being, to knit, and I have practiced meditation most mornings – which I think is going to become a daily thing because I can completely feel a difference when I add it into my morning routine. As amazing as our social calendar can get, and how fulfilling our day to day lives are; if I am being totally honest here – all week I have struggled with a hefty load of anxiety, PMS, and mood issues! What gives.  I’m only guessing when I try and figure out exactly where it all comes from.  None of the above is brand new since quitting drinking, however, I am sure it plays a part with the frequency in which it is occurring, and how I am coping with it all.  Perhaps in the past I would have leaned into the anxiety with a nice bottle of wine – just to cushion the uncomfortable feelings about my insecurity, or worries.  Or blamed a couple drinks for my moody behavior.

Well that is no more.  I am taking more responsibility for my ups and my downs.  I want to lean into the uncomfortable feelings and thoughts until it all makes more sense as to why it is there. It is there for a reason, to learn from or to grow with.  I truly believe life isn’t always after us – even when it seems unfair or exhausting…lean in.  I am a big proponent of reducing the stigma within mental health, so I find it important for me to discuss that being part of my path here as well.  I am on the hunt for a new therapist, someone I can break down every day thoughts and feelings, and give them appropriate shelter in my brain, and make room for the really good stuff to bloom.

“It’s he or she who’s willing to be the most uncomfortable can rise strong”

Brené Brown

Now, I must mention my first AA meeting! Jen joined, as well as a friend who is in recovery and offered to come with. I was so freaking nervous.  Everyone was so incredibly kind.  One girl was brave enough to raise her hand when they asked “is anyone here for the first time”…that girl wasn’t me.  I was too busy with my sweaty palms and racing heart.  I recognized a couple faces in the room, which made me even MORE nervous – like “shit! They see me, I see them…eek, what must they think!?”  Then I snapped into reality.  They are there for the exact same reason I am. I listened to stories in which I was able to relate to on so many levels, and was impressed at the authenticity of the group. Everyone who spoke initially welcomed that new girl and said if she needed anything at all – that they were there.  I kind of regretted not raising my hand! When we were outside after the meeting, a girl came up to us and introduced herself. She said she missed introductions of the new people.  I admitted to not raising my hand, told her my name and began talking about the process of attending meetings, perhaps acquiring a “job” to do at meetings which equals accountability.  It led to talking about sponsors and how they are part of your growth in sobriety, etc. She and another member said they’d make their sponsees call random people on the list of members, just to get outside their comfort zone.  I was like uhhhh, scary. Then all of a sudden, the girl was giving me her number and said, “I’ll make it less awkward for you – call me tomorrow!!”  That was it! So I called her the next day, we chatted briefly and have texted a few times. I planned on going again this past Tuesday, but got stuck late at work.  I look forward to next week when I am not the late shift person and can enjoy another meeting – and possibly raise my hand this time!

Whoever has gotten this far in reading this post – I thank you.  It is as if the world has created a new mountain for me to climb and you are my belay.  Making sure I rise to the top safely, but still letting me do the brunt of it on my own.

Until next time.

 

So much love,

Carey

 

What the Future Holds

On By Retiring CarolIn Becoming Sober, recovery, sober10 Comments

“Change often occurs when the pain of the current situation becomes so great you become willing to change without fully understanding what the future holds”

Annie Grace

I feel like I have so much to say.  It has been just a week since my last post and I can honestly say – I went through some potentially tempting and risky social situations! With my willpower going strong and my support growing huge, I made it to another week.  I am 3 days away from being two weeks without a sip of alcohol.  I have really gotten into the Recovery Elevator podcast, and I think Paul the host would say – just take it one day at a time.  Anything can happen in three days, the thought of what the future holds is daunting, and can cause anxiety. So I will follow that advice, and just not drink today. Today is all we can promise.

Lets break it down with the situations I found myself in this past week!

1.) Going to a lake house with family.

This was an amazing trip!  We got there the day before my sisters so we got a little 2:2 time with dad and Wendy.  We chatted about the blog, my dad turning 60, going on the boat, etc.  Nobody drank at dinner.  I assured everyone they could if they wanted!  They were all respectful, and like I had heard before in the last almost two weeks,  people are being mindful of their own habits.  By me not drinking, I believe it could inspire others to look into their own lives.  Do they really need that drink with their dinner?

 My sisters and their kids arrived, as well as their husbands.  My brother in law made a joke about “why I couldn’t just push it back a week” – so I could drink with them at the lake house.  This bugged me, but I didn’t really expect much else from him.  Refer to the top of this post for an amazing quote by Annie Grace.  That is exactly why I couldn’t wait.  I was just ready. Jen was a key factor in me keeping my – I guess you would say “resentment” feelings at bay.  I get in my head. I’d randomly through the weekend emotionally kick myself and say “why couldn’t you just have a few beers and be good with that?” or “whats wrong with you – that you had no self control several times while drinking..that has led you to this?”.  Well…fuck it. It was my journey, it was how it happened.  I am deciding to not drink because of this.  I am now in control.  Annie Graces’ book “This Naked Mind”  is now right next to me after hearing amazing things about it through the Recovery Elevator podcast, and I even heard her interview on there!  She associates our inability to really deal with our addictions fully until we uncover what we in our UNCONSCIOUS mind believes to be true.  I love it, and I cannot wait to dig deep and rewire my unconscious, so that in the near future – alcohol will be just a mere afterthought.  Anyway – Jen recommended we stay active, and that part of the reason we would even think to drink during the trip was because we were bored – and that that is just something you do…we sit around and watch the babies, and usually just drink. We thought that was fun.  What was more fun was going for daily runs, playing games, rope swing into the water, swimming, and just being present with my family. 

2.) A wedding!

My first ever sober wedding.  Imagine this….it was still a blast!  Add in the insecurity of a couple of my exes being there, and you are almost grateful to now be sober. I have mentioned before, and I will again; that when I drank, it just made my insecurities worse (not better, contrary to popular belief) and in turn made me feel very defensive of things not necessarily needing a defense. So that being said, I have to give so much appreciation to Jen again, because she was right there next to me.  Even though I said she should enjoy a drink or two – she claimed she wanted to experience her first sober wedding right along with me! She has also gotten into the RE podcast, and considers herself “sober curious”. I love her.  We were happy to enjoy each others company while catching up with friends I had not seen in a while, eating good food, and also dancing! It is possible to dance at a wedding without being hammered. Cue the shock. And yesterday when we recapped the weekend, we were almost certain that if drinking played a part in our time at the lake or wedding – we probably would have gotten into some silly argument about nothing.  All in all; a sober wedding = a fun, full of legit memory making, free of hangover good time!

Conclusion:

Ultimately, the past 1.5 weeks of sobriety has been full of willpower, encouragement, research, and connecting with those on this journey as well.  This has made me feel even more proactive with being mindful of my surroundings and keeping internal tabs on how I feel about each situation I find myself a part of.  I am glad to be documenting this process here, as it will keep me accountable and able to look back during times where I may feel uncertain of why I made this choice.  It is for the best.  There is an amazing sober community awaiting people like me who are deciding that an alcohol-free life is a better life. I found an online community already that I feel I am only just getting acquainted with – that has potential to be vital in my future of remaining sober.  The other members are real, honest, and inspiring.  I am not sacrificing a thing by choosing not to drink, I am only enhancing my experiences by being fully a part of them. 

….Now let me tell you what I am doing tonight.  I am going to attend an AA meeting.  I went to one during nursing school, as it was a requirement for one of my classes.  I have unconsciously steered away from AA before I even thought I’d quit drinking.  I am intimidated  with what I think is a “religious” organization.  However, after a lot of feedback – I am considering it more of a spiritual conquest, and I think that a lot of the people who are part of AA are also more in that realm. It will be a tool towards remaining alcohol free in addition to the several other ways I will venture through this journey.  I am curious if it will also help me curtail these unsure feelings of the “higher power” because it is in a Unitarian Universalist Church and an all women’s group. I consider myself very open minded and I know there is something to learn no matter where you are getting your support.  I look forward to sharing my experience of tonight afterward here on my blog.

These connections I am striving to make that are nearer to home I know will be super important.  There is nothing like having another person nearby to relate to. There is a recovery fitness group (ROCcovery Fitness) that I have been eyeing on Instagram.  They go for hikes together, have their own gym, and seem to be an awesome group of people!! As any social media goes, I can see that a few of my friends follow that group as well.  I may connect with them and see if they’ve ever participated, or if they want to with me!  This type of support group seems to be right up my alley being that I love to stay active and healthy.  It seems like something that is sustainable in creating new friendships and creating my best self.

So, it is clear we do not know what the future holds. No one does. But you know what sounds good? Clarity, increased health and wellness, good memories – real memories – are just a few ideas amongst several more things.

So much love and happiness.

-Carey

 

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(Just some images from this past weekend. My dad and me, good friends at the wedding photobooth, my love and me on our road trip, and the whole family after playing an intense/fun game of guesstures!)

Carey Carries On

On By Retiring CarolIn Becoming Sober7 Comments

As I sit here trying to continue learning how to navigate this blog and the “blogosphere” itself, I keep thinking to myself – just write. That is ultimately what I’m here for.  The photos linked to the site, the hashtags and followers will come with time and more experience.  When I first decided to blog, I thought I would just do it weekly…I can do a summary once a week as to how it is all going.  Then I realized that sometimes I will just want to say something that doesn’t need to, or shouldn’t wait.

So. How was the weekend, you’re wondering?  

You guys!  I am still sober.  And I am still happy.   This past weekend I was around alcohol many times, but it didn’t bother me.

It’s funny. Because this has been such a long time coming, it really doesn’t seem to be all that drastic of a lifestyle change in my mind.  However, to several of the people I told over the weekend – I think it seems like “whhhhat?” to them. But I wouldn’t know it.  Everyone was so on board.  I didn’t get push-back from the ones who were unaware of my trials and tribulations with drinking..they were like “cool”, or “kudos”.  It was awesome.  Then there are the people who have known about Carol and the bitches many catastrophes. They were like “cool, or “kudos”.

See what I’m saying?  Everyone was supportive. I know that it was only a handful of acquaintances, family, and friends so far…but it meant so much to me.  I would have to say, explaining the issue as a whole and then my decision to stop drinking to the lets say – “unaware”, was almost easier.  Their reaction was important to me, but it wasn’t like they ever had to deal with Carol.  When I told my friends and family who have encountered her –  their response made it the most amazing, autonomous decision. They didn’t shout “HALLELUJAH”, or “FINALLY- she’s gone!”.  They were like: “I like that Carol’s retiring” and “that’s good”.

My heart.  People are so good. My people are just so wonderful.  I am very lucky to have a life here that is my own and a life where I can also rely on many to get me to the places I know I belong. I know the road to staying free from drinking alcohol, or as I read on hip-sobriety’s blog -“teetotal-ling”, is not going to be free from issue or temptation.  I know this, and am ready for the journey.  This empowering feeling of control I have right now is overwhelming in a good way.  I look forward to being my best self.

I also look forward to sharing many stories with you all throughout my time blogging as to what has gotten me here.  That is one of the many reasons I am blogging in the first place.  I want to be sure that when the next person my age comes along looking for another person out there who has struggled and decides to reign it in and needs support – this will be here for them. I want to be able to relate, and meet others in the same shoes.  They are worn shoes, with many miles of stories and ideas. So they should continue moving…we will continue moving together.

Finally Ready

On By Retiring CarolIn Becoming Sober29 Comments

Day One

30 years and 10 days old.  Sitting on the couch with Jen – I’ve made the decision to stop drinking alcohol. This has been something I’ve said I wanted to do, should do, and even have tried to do.  However, I put a limit on it.  I did it “until” something.  The last time being when I was waiting to find out if I was accepted to nursing school.  I was sober for approximately 10 weeks straight.  I remember feeling clear minded, more in control. If i was accepted though, I’d obviously celebrate with wine.  I was accepted, and I drank the wine…and then more.  I started school – which was a 1 year accelerated bachelors in nursing program, it was rough.  I am not sure how I created “free time”, but when I did, it was spent planning another outing. Most likely a party, or to a bar.  I’d study with wine or beer sometimes, even. I guess you could say I thought it was just “something you did”.  Being an adult = being able to choose when I can drink.

Rewind my life several years.  In high school, I think I got drunk one time.  I didn’t like it. My goal then was not to be a rebel and party.  I struggled elsewhere.  I battled with the feelings of not being accepted or fitting in.  I came out at a young age as “bisexual”.  I still did not quite understand the internal turmoil of what was right or wrong – or what was real, and what wasn’t.  From as early as I can remember, caring about what another person thought about me – who I was, how I behaved, what I was doing in every day life – completely drove my day-to-day actions for the most part.  I still to this day compete with the better part of my brain that their opinion DOES NOT MATTER. But how do you just stop caring, or more-so, worrying?

Some days, the thoughts of not being good enough, or people not liking me for me just completely consumes my brain.  My thoughts often lean toward craving validation from others.  That I am a good person, or nurse, or partner. Isn’t it human nature to need that support?  However, having just entered a new decade in my life, I am striving for something new.  I am surrounding myself with the awareness that I, in fact, am enough. I will not tolerate belittling who I am for the sake of others.  I am attempting to be more in tune with being present, listening to others – instead of selfishly bombarding my brain with what they are thinking about me.  I’m just going to be me. Period.

         Let me introduce Carol so then it is clear as to why she is retiring. She is a tired, insecure, verbally assaulting antagonist who comes creeping out when I have alcohol in my system.  She can squeak through with a mere “buzz” when provoked, or she can stay latent until I’ve reached a point of no return – AKA: blackout.  That’s right. She’s my alter ego.  The name Carol was started as kind of a joke between my sister and brother in-law…until it wasn’t very funny anymore.  With my underlying emotional/mental health quandary – Carol comes out with a vengeance – to defend only God knows what usually.  She’s unfair, unruly, and blatantly just mean.  Don’t be fooled, she does not always make an appearance.  Sometimes when I drink I am happy go lucky, excitable…and that is an issue in itself.  Because when that happens, it causes me to push the envelope.  It makes me feel like I’ve found my “good drunk” side.  However – I know I will truly never have a side such as that.  You never know when Carol will unfurl – and when she does, she isn’t ever sorry – I am.

So this is where I draw the line.  Who is better in control of our own actions that ourselves?  No one. Sure, I’ll probably always like the taste of a good beer or wine.  But is it worth the uncertainty?  If it may put my well-being and happiness on the line?  No. It isn’t.  I love my life. I have an amazing fiance, dog, friends and family.  In fact, some have said before that they prefer who I am while sober.  I am now at the point and the realization that I, myself, prefer me 100% sober.  I am confident in that. I want that.  It is going to be a road of learning how to maintain friendships with some of the people whom I normally spend time where alcohol is the main ingredient between us.  If it is “friends” like that who I’ll lose, then that’s OK.  Gratefully, the closest friends I already have and my family, I know will support my decision.  They will encourage me, and pick me up when I am down.  I will keep building those relationships. I have a positive feeling that this will also keep my [less than] year left of planning our wedding the most truly felt and real experience.  I cannot wait to marry Jen and create a forever life with her.  I am extremely lucky for her eyes that see my potential, and for her ears that hear even the quietest messages of what I really need in my life. Which is the here and now, It is becoming sober.

This is Day One.  Welcome to the adventure.  It is going to be full of discovery, clarity, and love.

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