I have several blog posts that have been started and remain unfinished. The intention behind each one has been so different and I think they were all left in the unpublished queue for a reason. Looking back, it was just therapeutic to type away and not share. I’ve needed that a bunch in the last year.
Where the hell to begin? 2020 was supposed to be a year of “new beginnings”. That’s exactly what we clinked our glasses together for on New Years Eve. We were due to have a baby girl in June, and life was so good. This dramatically changed at the end of January and we were left back at the beginning – gaped mouths and crushed hearts. We undertook so much pain and suffering, and what we did know is, our sweet Willow never had to know a day of that in her life.
Where do we go from here? How do we gather ourselves together, and try again after this? I recovered physically through February, only to be told I needed another D&C due to “retained tissue” – salt in the wounds. This forced slow down was a bitter pill to swallow at first, but currently we are finding more gratitude because although life felt, and truly was haywire – there was something else waiting for us…..COVID-19.
Let’s throw a global pandemic wrench into things. See how you cope now. Fertility treatments on HOLD and the uncertainty building skyskrapers around us. Have you ever considered the free fall into madness? Have you ever wondered what it’s like to not turn to alcohol during a time like this? There are so many hills and valleys since I last published a blog post which seem frivolous to even get into at this point. I created this blog on the foundation of my SOBRIETY that I can proudly say – I am STILL ACHIEVING.
Don’t get me wrong – I have stared longingly at an unopened bottle of shitty table wine that found it’s way into our house somehow. I smelled the open bottle of a hard cider that my wife drinks every so often. I am a human, with human wonder and human desire. I give so much credit to everyone else who struggles right now, but still musters up the courage to continue to be stronger than the IDEA of how catching that buzz could be and refuses to pour booze into the vanity of quarentine woes. If we were to give into the temptation of drinking during this – we would be letting the bad guy win. It is like the media presenting all the information on the killer – when the victims truly deserve the most attention.
By remaining sober, we are standing up to the monsters and maintaining what we know is best for us.
We don’t know with confidence when this will settle out – our world is being put through a sifter. Shaking particles all around and rearranging how we knew our lives. This is causing discomfort, but it is also opening our eyes. We can change the things we dislike the most and really feed into what we want to cultivate as true for us. We can recreate our reality if we really want to. Stop and list 5 things you are grateful for. Make notes of what feels GOOD, and keep focusing on that. This is what will help us pull through.
Keep it up. Your heads and your hearts.