I hugged a stranger today.

It was at a community yoga class.  It was incredibly full in the room – mats kissing, awkward glances around to prevent the possible tap of my neighbor while coming into mountain pose.  The instructor had an intense way of drawing out my emotions. Whether it was a hearty laugh, gratitude, or being very near to tears.  As a group, we were encouraged to envision our best selves, and to focus on others – their strengths and even weaknesses that we could help build.  If we smile at strangers, assist someone in need, become more selfless – the world would most definitely become a better place.  She said the word “vulnerability” in different contexts several times through class and this isn’t a new term to me, but it gave me a certain feeling inside every single time she mentioned it. 

I have great intentions on being or becoming vulnerable – but dammit, it scares me. The feeling inside me when she said the word each time stems from my fear. I hide.  I have been hiding. I know I am working on becoming my best self by quitting drinking, seeking counseling and digging in deep to my roots and sifting the dirt to find my gems.  I know I have more in me.  I have a desire to say things, do things, and enjoy my own life without worry.  It drives me to deep emotional feelings when I think of being vulnerable….I veer from the discomfort of being rejected, judged and disliked.  I am understanding better, though, that many choices I make can be encouraging to another person.  When I dive into a sometimes uncomfortable realm – whether it be immersing myself into a craved activity, practicing and becoming better at the crafts I love, or simply conversing with my friends and family, I can and will grow.

My goal is to become softer with my flaws, embracing them,  all while being a good person.  Kind, lighthearted, and easy going.  I have become so critical, and mostly of myself – which in turn has unfolded into more aspects of my life.  I feel myself criticizing little things, and I think it has become a subconscious defense mechanism.  There is no need to force regret or anger for this. I am acknowledging that it is within me to be less afraid and to welcome vulnerable moments.

If everyone likes you, you’re not doing it right. – Bette Davis

I can’t say that I have ever been pushed to the edge of comfort during yoga.  It was a first today, and I am so happy I was a part of it.  We were instructed to place our arms around our neighbors and come into tree pose, which evolved into a standing split – all while embracing the shoulders of those by our sides.  We held each other up and let our hearts shine in unison.  Once the pose ended – we were then instructed to hug our neighbor.  I looked left, and it was a stranger – someone who looked shy, but I didn’t know for certain, and it didn’t matter after all – we were just humans, in one room, sharing this experience.  We hugged – it was momentarily strange, yet strangely pleasant.

I hope to gain more of these moments.  Vulnerable, sweet, and life evolving moments.  Shall they be fleeting like a hug, or lasting like a conversation. My heart is open, my mind is open.

 

As I feel is completely necessary – Namaste ❤

 

 

Today marks 100 days without one sip of alcohol!  How can this be true?? I remember so vividly waking up that first day, knowing I needed to stop – but overwhelmed with the idea of it being a forever thing.  So daunting to consider a lifetime without something you thought you loved, and more so – needed.  I definitely know at this point that I do not need a drink.  I’m grateful for all the love and support I have received so far, and know that it is still just the beginning of this journey.

What I am acknowledging here and now, is that I have been doing it wrong the last month, or possibly longer.

I think the proper recovery term is “white knuckling”.  I have barely written, attended a meeting, spent time with the online community I joined; or made an effort to reach out to the local fitness recovery group I really want to be part of.  I have been just getting by.  It honestly hasn’t been difficult. I have not really felt like drinking, as in my head – that just isn’t what I do anymore.

However, I have felt pretty left out at times. I have felt like people around me have been inconsiderate. I have felt alone.

I know I am not though.  Me not drinking really doesn’t need to be on the forefront of everyone else’s brain (I almost would prefer it not to be).  Being part of the sober community accentuates this truth though, and I have been leaving my own self out. I have created an imbalance of the priorities within my life and feel an imbalance in my brain because of it. If I immerse myself with like minded people with similar stories, and encouraging words of long term, healthy living and sobriety, I am definitely apt to be more successful.

Let me move on.  This blog has been created for my accountability and to share my story. Possibly to attract others who are in the same boat as me. I promise to myself and to those who are curious and supportive of my journey, that I will write more.  Whether it is a post on my sobriety, mental health, or anything else pertinent to my life – I will include you. Making time for myself is an important, yet sometimes difficult task (and I don’t even have kids yet! ha.)

So that is all I truly feel is relevant to my sober life right now.  I look forward to diving back in, in order to fulfil my soul, myself, and others with positive encouragement.

 

❤